Dated
by Juliette Louise
Summary: Thane and Shepard prepare for their first long-anticipated outing.  Nearly everything seems to be getting in their way.  Third in a trilogy, with "Probed" and "Dosed".
1. Chapter 1

_Hey all! This is the third in my humorous ME:2 trilogy, the first two segments of which are "Probed" and "Dosed". These three stories take place in that order. (All of my ME: 2 stories take place in chronological order, and have their own running "cannon". For more info, see my profile.) Enjoy, and remember that I run on feedback!  
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* * *

><p><em>-05:00-<em>

Morning on the Normandy, of course, looked exactly like evening. Or the middle of the night, or for that matter any other time. In space, it was easy to become disoriented concerning sleep.

Shepard woke, but not because her alarm was going off. She wasn't sure if it was "morning" yet. She stared up into the darkness for a moment, wondering why she was conscious. The palms of her hands tingled from nervousness. But it wasn't the kind of nervousness that preceded a mission; no, not work stress. This was seldom-experienced personal life stress.

_Of course_, she thought, eyes widening. _The date._

Shepard sat up, pulling her hands through her hair.

It was deeply ironic that she could sleep soundly _during_ a drop into a combat hotzone but an approaching pleasant afternoon with a friend in the arboretum was waking her up early with nerves.

_That's because you've been dropped into combat zones sixteen times in the last five years but been on zero dates, _she reminded herself.

Shepard wrestled with herself all the way through a thorough shower, then while she fed her fish.

_It's probably not even a real date. Thane just wants to look at trees. And drink coffee. With me. Alone. _She cringed as she opened her closet. _Oh Maker, that's a date, isn't it?_

Shepard gazed blearily at four identical pairs of black cargo pants and four white t-shirts, all hung with precise military neatness. From below, four pairs of identical underpants and four pairs of identical, neatly folded sweat-socks seemed to mock her. This had been Cerberus' idea of civvies, and she hadn't exactly been in a position to argue.

She considered her options.

She could simply wear what she had-after all, she had it on authority that Thane's wardrobe consisted solely of a series of skin-tight vests, various pieces of high-tech armor, and deadly weapons. She didn't believe he had any formal wear tucked away at the bottom of his impressive armory case.

But showing up to a date dressed like a drill sergeant still didn't seem precisely correct regardless of her partner's stylistic choices, so she moved on, closing the closet door.

Shepard took a mental tally of the women on board. There was Jack-but Jack seemed to have only one outfit (or rather, half of an outfit). There was Miranda-but Miranda was rather more...generously proportioned than Shepard was ever likely to be without the aid of a plastic surgeon. Gabby favored sweatpants in her off-time. Tali lived inside an environment suit.

"Miss Chambers." Shepard mused thoughtfully, looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. Kelly was around her general height and build and she had before seen her in non-atrocious civilian wear. "You _are_ my personal assistant. And boy, do I need assistance."

* * *

><p>The door opened with an efficient-sounding little swish, and there stood Kelly Chambers, her short hair sticking up strangely, wearing nothing but a fluffy pink bathrobe and matching slippers. She looked younger without make-up, and it occurred to Shepard for the first time that she was probably only just out of college. Cerberus really had thrown this poor girl to the wolves.<p>

"Shepard!" Chambers declared, her voice moving up a few octaves from its normal range. "You're here! Yes! What can I do for you?" She continued, her voice's register continuing to climb.

"It's nothing, Kelly. I just wanted to talk to you about something." Shepard said in what was hopefully a soothing way. Kelly's nerves were clearly jangled.

"Yes! Of course! Come in!" She yelped, making a sweeping gesture of welcome into her tiny quarters.

Shepard stood awkwardly while Kelly cleared away a pile of bedclothes (pink, fluffy), books (antique), and Cerberus internal memos (unintelligible) so she would have a space to sit atop her narrow sleeping cot. Kelly took up a position at her computer desk, her chair turned 180-degrees to face Shepard. In the tiny room, their knees were almost touching.

Shepard was reminded momentarily of her post-Elysium mandatory therapy sessions-sitting awkwardly upright on furniture clearly meant for reclining, across from sincere but slightly frightened personnel. Except none of the Alliance shrinks had ever had left miniscule pairs of lavender underpants on their office floor.

"I don't need, er, counseled, Kelly. I really just wanted to ask you a favor. Non-mission-related. Actually, I'd like to keep this on the down-low if possible."

"Certainly, Shepard." Kelly said, spotting the pair of panties at last. She blanched visibly and inched one slippered-foot forward until she had successfully obscured the offending article under fluffy pinkness. Shepard pretended not to notice.

"Well, it's just that I'm going out this morning. Out onto the Citadel, I mean. Not strictly for business. And all I have is armor and fatigues."

Kelly looked at her blankly.

"To wear." Shepard clarified. "All I have to wear is armor and fatigues."

Kelly's expression didn't shift in any way.

"I don't have anything to wear." Shepard clarified further. "To _wear_. As _clothing_."

"I see." Kelly said finally, as though Shepard had just declared that she was going to pursue a second career as a Faberge egg painter.

"I'm asking if I can borrow some clothes, Kelly. Something with no cargo pockets and no velcro-closures. A dress, even." Shepard looked down at herself. "And maybe a bra whose main goal isn't compression."

There was more silence.

"Shepard." Kelly finally breathed, her eyes huge with wonderment. "You're going on a _date_, aren't you?"

Before Shepard could respond, Kelly was on her feet, grabbing Shepard's hands and jumping up and down, shrieking. Pinioned as they were between her shoulder joints and Kelly's grasp, Shepard's limp arms undulated like two wet spaghetti noodles.

"Am not." Shepard said a little petulantly, her eyes darting back and forth across the room in furtive, guilty lines. "I'm just going out, that's all."

"Yes, but you're going out with a dress! And boobs!" Kelly insisted, cackling. "This is wonderful!"

"Technically I always wear my boobs when I go out, Kelly." Shepard muttered, sinking into herself a little.

Kelly sat next to her on the cot, her hands still clutched tightly between hers.

"Who is it? Donelly? Oh! Joker?" She said breathlessly.

Shepard sighed, reminding herself again that this wasn't the military. No one was going to be court-martialed for being "romantically linked" to her. Though if it ever got out, they _were_ going to be gossiped about relentlessly. Because whether a ship's crew was civilian or military, Human, Turian, Quarian, what-have-you, some things never changed.

"Thane." She said.

Kelly's mouth fell open.

"Ooh." She said. "You _are_ in the big leagues." Then, putting her head on one side: "Do Drell women even have boobs?"

"My boobs are not the problem!" Shepard declared, a little exasperatedly. "The problem is I'm going on a date in two hours and have no clothes, and frankly, no idea what the hell to do. The last time I was on a date, the Turians were still bombing the shit out of us."

Kelly looked at her skeptically.

"A slight exaggeration." She conceded. "But only slight."

"Ohmigod, Shepard." Kelly said, a little of Southern California creeping into her inflection. "I have _so_ got you covered on this one."


	2. Chapter 2

_-06:00-_

There was a sort of protracted grinding sound, which woke him out of a fitful sleep. He'd been having dreams all night that he was lost in a factory, heavy machinery banging and crashing on all sides of him, letting out bursts of steam.

Then one of the very crashes from his dreams happened, and Thane sat up, scowling into the dark at the wall he was sleeping against, which shivered visibly with every concussion.

Silently, seeing only by the ultraviolet light thrown off by the Eezo core on the other side of his window, Thane found his undershorts and shirt. He muttered the Serenity Mantra to himself quietly as he palmed the door to Life Support open.

The hallway lights were still dimmed for nightshift. Thane wasn't certain what time it was but he guessed by the strong aroma of coffee in the hallway and the subdued sounds of breakfasters from the Mess Hall that it was the very, very early morning.

There was a utility closet immediately next to Life Support. Now, the doorway hung open, and occasional flashes of sparks and, of course, horrible bone-rattling sounds, emanated from it.

Thane rounded the corner, standing there in, essentially, his underwear, gazing upon the visage of Garrus Vakarian. He looked cramped in the tiny space, bent over a half-gutted artificial gravity unit, whose sparking wires protruded in all directions.

Garrus was holding a welding gun. When Thane entered, he pushed black goggles up onto his forehead and extinguished the flame on the welder.

"Hey, Krios." He said, sitting on the floor beside the generator casually. "I'm tired of fiddling with this unit, so I figured that since we're in dry-dock, this was as good a time as any to finally tear it apart. I think a loose connection is what's causing that hum in the deckplating."

"Interesting." Thane said neutrally, crossing his arms over his chest.

"The artificial gravity generator for this deck extends all the way up through this wall." He said, pointing. "I'm trying to pull the centripital pins. The grid is right here."

"Ah. So the grid is right here, in this wall." Thane said, his voice still neutral.

"That's right. I've been hammering away at it all morning." Garrus said.

"I see. Out of curiosity, Garrus...do you know what's on the other side of the centripital pin grid wall in the very early morning?" Thane asked.

"No, I don't."

"I am, Garrus." Thane said, arriving at the point at last. "And I'm generally sleeping."

Garrus blinked.

"Ah. Sorry about that, Krios." He said, clearing his throat.

Thane sighed, letting his arms fall to his sides.

"What time is it?" He asked.

Garrus opened his omni-tool.

"06:30 hours." He said. "But at least you're off-duty today."

As soon as he said it, Thane's still-sluggish brain started percolating again, and he remembered. His eyes must have widened perceptably.

Garrus looked at him quizzically.

"Got somewhere important to be? Is it your son again? Is he in trouble?"

"No, Kolyat is well-buried under paperwork in C-Sec's data-enty department. But it is important."

_"Business?" _Garrus ventured, in a tone of voice that seemed to imply that Thane's business might include murdering several people.

Thane found his arms crossing over his chest again.

"No, not business."

"Thane Krios." Garrus said, mandibles flaring with what may have been humor. "Have you developed a _personal life_?"

Thane froze. Several crew members meandered past his stiff form and down the hallway, shooting him curious looks from over their shoulders.

"I have to go, Garrus. I'm standing here in my undershorts." He said flatly, then turned on his heel and retreated back into the safety of the Life Support room.


	3. Chapter 3

_-07:00-_

They'd gone through at least ten wardrobe changes, and Kelly's tiny room now looked like an equally tiny tornado had occurred inside it.

Shepard stood ankle-deep in ladies petite wear, looking at herself in Kelly's full-length mirror.

They'd finally compromised on black slacks and a white, unadorned long-sleeved shirt. A dress was out of the question, as it turned out, because of a lack of acceptable footwear. Shepard owned only combat boots and Kelly's feet were truly miniscule. They'd then spent much of the last 45 minutes arguing about Shepard's admittedly limited preferred color pallet.

Finally, Miss Chambers positioned her atop a pile of discarded clothing, which itself sat atop her chair, and began brushing her hair.

"So when did he ask you out?" Kelly asked.

Shepard fidgeted. She'd spent much of her youth on the streets and the rest of her time thereafter in the military-and while she understood, vaguely, that this was something that women did with each other, it wasn't something _she'd_ ever done.

"Come on, dish! As your counselor, I demand details." Kelly wheedled.

It had been the morning after she'd apprehended Morinth. She'd (they'd told her later) ingested a large dose of "Hallex" at some point in the night-Morinth had probably dosed her at her apartment, hoping to lower her resistance.

Shepard vividly recalled the fight between Samara and her wayward daughter, Morinth's demise, but at some point during the walk back to the Normandy things had gone very strange indeed.

Poor Thane had somehow been recruited to watch her for the rest of the night. She remembered only snippets of the evening: him scooping her into his arms and depositing her in her bed. Talking to her in his low, even voice until she finally slept. There had even been a kiss at some point-Shepard was almost certain.

She remembered that his lips had been cool but not unpleasantly so. She'd touched his face impulsively, and his skin suprised her. It was smoother than she'd assumed; she'd thought of the cool surface of glass at first, but then she could feel warmth moving just under the surface.

So either there had been a kiss, or she had a very detail-oriented, active imagination.

The next morning they'd run into each other on the elevator, both heading up to the CIC deck. Thane's deep voice had stopped her before she could walk out onto the floor. He'd asked her if she'd like to go with him to the arboretum on the Presidium next time they were at the Citadel.

Two days ago, they'd been together on Aeia, chasing after Captain Taylor with Jacob. Jacob had gone ahead, scouting, while Shepard and Thane split up aboard the abandoned military craft, looking for evidence of what had happened. They'd been communicating by radio.

"By the way, Thane-I was planning to take us back to the Citadel when this is over." She'd said, picking through rusty crates and broken machinery, unaccountably nervous. She wondered if he'd even remember.

There was a deep rumbling chuckle from over the radio, and she knew that he did.

"Shall I meet you at 10:00 at the airlock?" He'd said.

"If you want me awake that early on a day off you'd better take me out for coffee, too." She'd responded, finding herself smiling in the empty wreck. Thane laughed again, the sound made crackly by her in-ear radio's difficulty in carrying such low frequencies.

"It would be my pleasure." Thane had said.

* * *

><p>"Shepard!" Kelly said, snapping her out of her thoughts at last. "You're blushing!"<p>

"I am not!" Shepard snapped, even though she knew that she was, indeed, blushing. She'd blushed on Aeia, too, when he'd said the word "pleasure" with that amazing voice.

Then, at that very moment, the sprinkler system went off.


	4. Chapter 4

_-08:00-_

He'd been elbow-deep in the centripital pin cabinet when the fire-supression system came online. All the utility areas (including the one he was currently occupying) were suddenly doused in fluffy white foam, while outside in the hallways and crew-quarters, water started to fall.

_I see what it is, _Garrus thought. _That wasn't the redundant artificial-G system test lever I flipped, that was the temperature gauge for crew-deck. I'm not surprised the sprinklers are on, considering that the thermostat is now reading a comfortable 9000 degrees,_ he thought, and chuckled.

"Can I have a word, Garrus?" A voice said from behind him.

He turned, little blobs of foam falling off of his face and hands with the movement. Some of it had even gotten into his boots and was currently making an unpleasant squelching sound with every step.

Shepard was standing outside in the hallway in unfamiliar civilian garb, absolutely drenched. Water ran in rivulets off her hair and face and plastered her clothes to her body. She scowled at him as several wet crewmembers ran down the hallway behind her, shrieking, still in their pajamas.

"Shepard." Garrus said, putting his head on one side. "You look nice."

"I _looked_ nice, Garrus. And so did my ship, until about a million gallons of water and fire-suppressant foam came out of nowhere and surprised the hell out of us both."

"Ah. Yes. Sorry about that, Shepard. Just a little thermostat problem. Can EDI help us out?" He said, as foam continued to fall around him. He was currently waist-deep, and Shepard's scowling form was blocking his egress from the closet. Eventually he was going to drown in fluff.

"She's trying, Garrus. It's just that someone apparently severed the hard-lines between her CPU and the fire-suppressant system. The problem occurred somewhere in maintenance hatch 4B."

"Ah." Garrus said, standing directly in front of a wall on which "Maint. 4B" had been stenciled.

"The hard-lines ran through the artificial gravity system on this floor. You know, the one with that hum that's been bothering you so much." She said, eyes narrowed.

Garrus blinked at her, wondering if she was going to let him die in there, when the deluge finally stopped.

"Commander?" Gabby Daniels' plaintive voice came over the loudspeaker. Shepard stepped sideways and out of the doorway to one of EDI's terminals.

"Yes, Miss Daniels?" She said.

"We cut the temperature gauge off from the sprinkler system. Like, with an axe." Daniels said, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

"Thank you, Miss Daniels." Shepard said, her voice a bit muffled, probably because she had her face in her hands.

EDI piped in.

"Shepard, I'm attempting to reroute control of the emergency response system. In the meantime, I've also taken the liberty of contacting a clean-up crew from the Citadel."

"Thank you, EDI." She said. "If anyone needs me, I'll be...busy."


	5. Chapter 5

_-09:00-_

After Garrus crashed and hammered and welded him out of a sound sleep, Thane had dressed in the dark and gone to the Observatory. Samara had gone aboard the Citadel already, leaving him to meditate alone, looking out over the empty loading docks beyond. It wasn't as good a view as the void of space, but the Citadel had it's own beauty. He was trying to push away burgeoning nervousness, to slow his heart rate...

...When claxons began going off, the emergency lighting came online, and a piece of ablative steel slammed down and obscured his view. And of course, the Observatory itself went into lockdown mode, putting another piece of four-inch-thick steel between himself and the exit.

Thane looked up from the floor where he sat, at the clock on the wall. The time was 09:34.

"EDI." He said quietly, already suspecting that he wasn't going to enjoy anything he was about to hear.

"Yes, Mr. Krios?" The AI responded calmly from overhead.

"...What exactly is going on?"

"The crew deck's emergency fire-suppression system has come online, which has locked down both observation decks."

"Is there a fire?"

EDI had what seemed like an embarrassed pause before responding.

"Not exactly, Mr. Krios." She said at last.

EDI then spun him a tale of rather catastrophic failure on Garrus' part to fix the hum in the deck-plating.

Thane stood and stretched, rolling his shoulders then hyper-extending his spine, hearing a few vertebrae pop. He bent forward and touched his toes.

"How long will it be until you've successfully rerouted control, EDI?" He said, staring at his own shins and suspecting he knew the answer to the question already.

"It could be quite awhile, considering that several of my hard-lines are severed, and my control panels are also filled with...fire-suppressant foam." She said, again sounding a bit embarrased.

Thane rubbed his hands together, gazing at the ventilation shaft above. He had pried the grating halfway off before EDI spoke again.

"I'm afraid the ventilation shafts that serve the Observation Decks are also sealed off from the rest of the air-circulation system, Mr. Krios." She said.

Thane hauled himself up and into the duct.

"I'm not trying to gain access to the air-circulation system, EDI." He said.

* * *

><p>Grumbling, Shepard went back to her quarters, stripping off Kelly's now-drenched clothes and throwing on her black cargo pants and plain white T-shirt with resignation. She towel-dried her hair at least, and even put on a little make-up, now nervous but unmistakably excited.<p>

With five minutes to go, she went back out to the elevator, biting a thumbnail. She was half-way back down to the CIC deck when someone landed lightly on the roof of the elevator. Then, curiously, they knocked politely on the other side of the maintenance trap-door.

Shepard blinked up at it, wondering if she had become insane in the last few minutes.

"Ah...who is it?" She called at last.


	6. Chapter 6

_-10:00-_

The walk to the arboretum was largely quiet. Thane didn't comment on the fact that she was still slightly damp, and she didn't bring up his unconventional way of entering an elevator.

In fact, Thane, who could always been relied upon to have a sort of unflappable calm seemed slightly jumpy. Shepard felt distinctly out of her own element. Kelly's advice ("Relax and be yourself!") hadn't been overly helpful.

Shepard was quietly amused to find that Thane had developed a fondness for black coffee. They walked with their take-out cups to the arboretum.

This district of the Presidium saw a lot less foot-traffic, as it was mostly devoted to sightseeing and not politics or shopping. Indeed, by the time they reached the arboretum entrance, they were virtually alone.

Thane opened the door for her in a gentlemanly fashion and she entered, noticing immediately how much better the quality of the air was. It seemed super-oxygenated from so many photosynthesizing life-forms, and smelled like leaves.

Trees of every conceivable size, shape, and variety stretched out before her for at least four or five blocks, arranged along a central boulevard. A few Asari maidens were giggling on a bench a block-or-so away, but otherwise the space was silent.

Someone had made a valiant effort to contain fallen leaves, seeds, and buds, but had clearly lost the fight. The boulevard was half buried under encroaching foliage, and it crunched under their boots as they walked.

"Hey! It's Earth!" Shepard said, finding, to her suprise, a section devoted to the planet of her birth. She approached a huge deciduous tree, bearing a plaque that said "Slippery Elm" in about 40 languages.

Thane smiled, reaching up and testing the texture of a leaf between his thumb and forefinger.

"They have a section on Rakhana, as well." He said.

"Oh?" She said, finding herself biting a thumbnail.

Thane slid down the trunk of the elm to sit crosslegged at its base, sitting his coffee beside him. He sighed, looking up at her and smiling.

"Earth and Rakhana are 298 light-years distant in space, you know." He said. "But here, on the Citadel, they're just across the way from each other."

"On the Normandy, often they're in the same room." She said, sitting beside him.

Thane snorted, still smiling. He took her hands in his, as he always did when they talked. She leaned against the rough surface of the tree, their shoulders making the barest contact. Thane shifted, then put an arm around her.

Shepard noticed (and not for the first time) that he smelled good-though admittedly not in a way that Human men generally did: a bit like unburnt tobacco or fall leaves. And because he was wearing his armor at the moment, also faintly of heat-sink residue and cordite. It was a combination she'd come to associate strongly with their late nights in Life Support.

Shepard let out a sigh, feeling tension drain out of her at last. Perhaps it was the physical contact, or remembering the many times they'd spoken in his quarters. Was this really so different? Just because it was "the date"?

"I was going to wear something nice." She said. "It got drenched."

"I bought you flowers." Thane said. "They're in Life Support. Under three feet of fire-suppressant foam."

She laughed, and then he did. Though it was quiet, the sound seemed to rattle her ribs slightly. She had the feeling he was laughing in frequencies she couldn't even hear.

"You have to tell me, Thane. That night-we were alone in my quarters...there _was_ a kiss, wasn't there?" She asked, feeling blood rushing to her face.

"Most definitely." He said.

"I thought so. It was nice, wasn't it?"

"Very nice." He agreed.

"We should really do more of that in the future." Shepard said, looking down at the grass. Thane lifted her chin gently with a finger. She met his eyes.

"Why wait?" He said.


End file.
